Attachment Theory for Writing [Dis]Functional Relationships

I’ve been obsessed with relationships lately, specifically the romantic sort, though there’s not a huge difference between romantic and platonic relationships. Both require effort and care to thrive. My obsession led me to a book called Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin.

Wired for Love expounds on attachment theory, the idea that the early interactions with our primary caregiver (usually our mother) lays the framework for how we experience relationships as adults. This book helped me realize the patterns I perpetuate in relationships, and how to move toward security and trust.

Whether you’re navigating your own relationship or dictating those of fictional character, it all comes down to how we relate to another, and how we relate is derived from our attachment style. In Wired for Love, Tatkin proposes three styles of relating, they are the securely attached Anchors, and the insecurely attached Islands and Waves.

Secure Attachment
Anchors: People who are anchors experienced secure attachment in their early life. They grew up with reliable caregivers in a reliable environment. As children, their needs were met so they felt secure and supported by their caregiver(s). As a result, they are able to enter into new relationships without fear of being abandoned or losing their autonomy.

Insecure Attachment
Waves and Islands: People who are waves or islands did not experience secure attachment in their early life. As children, often their needs did not come first. Instead, they learned to meet their own needs. As adults, these types struggle with trust and tend to be distant in relationships.

Waves: As children, waves were rewarded with parental love for being dependent on a parent, and they may have been responsible for the emotional wellbeing of at least one parent. As a result, they tend to be more needy or clingy and fear they will be abandoned.

Islands: As children, islands often had to perform or be on display to receive love from a parent. As adults in romantic relationships, they fear their independence will be taken (as it was in childhood) and as a result, they crave and create distance between themselves and their partner and avoid depending on others.

We all aspire to be anchors, and many people are quick to assume they’re an anchor. I don’t think there’s such a thing as a true anchor, and that’s okay. Life is about growing and changing. If you’re done growing, you’re dead.

Realistically, we all have elements of each. None of this is bad though, and knowing your type gives you the opportunity to edit your reactions. For example, a wave wants to pull away when their partner seeks closeness. The wave’s reasoning: My partner is showing me love now, but experience (in early childhood) shows love can be taken away at any moment. The wave, fearing abandonment, turns away from their partner’s affections, rejecting their partner before the inevitable rejection, thus maintaining the self-fulfilling prophecy of the wave’s core belief formed in childhood: everyone who says they love me will abandon me.

Hack your (or your character’s) style. If you’re an island or a wave (or a combination) do the opposite of your initial reaction. If your partner upsets you, and your impulse is to pull away. Move toward them. Stay with the discomfort, stay engaged, and talk it out. Allow yourself (and your characters) to be vulnerable and see what you learn.

In Dead Like Stars, Sasha is mostly an Island. She fears developing a relationship with Ambrose for many reasons. She fears losing her sense of self, but she’s also afraid of depending on him. The fact that she’s forced depend on him (and others) in this book is a huge struggle for her. Her character arc over the series has her striving for anchor status. We’ll see if she makes it!

What about your characters? Do you write Islands, Anchors, or Waves?




Through the end of March, Dead Like Stars (a preview only) is part of a giveaway on Instafreebie. If you love vampires (and werewolves) go get some FREE BOOKS!

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Who Likes Free Books?


I love free books, and Grizzy (my cat) does too! That’s why I’m giving away a free, signed paperback copy of Dead Like Stars! Head over to Goodreads to enter the drawing before Monday (the 28th) at 11:59 pm (PT). While you’re there, perhaps you’ll add Dead Like Stars to your ‘to read’ list and follow my author page. There you’ll find a Q&A section where you can post questions and read answers about my books and other aspects of writing. I love answering your questions, so ask away!

If you don’t win a copy this time, don’t fret. I’ll be running more giveaways in the future! Be among the first to know: sign up for my mailing list!

Dead Like Stars has been doing fairly well. There are 6 reviews on Amazon and Goodreads so far, but I’d love your help to reach 20. If you enjoyed my book, please take a moment to write a review. It doesn’t have to be long or fancy, just choose a star rating, add a sentence or two, and you’re done! As an independent author, reviews increase visibility and add credibility. Your words will help others find mine.

For those of you who’ve been asking about book two, Darkling Like Stars: I’ve been making progress, though not as quickly as I hoped. I have around 60 thousand words. Some context: Dead Like Stars is around 90 thousand words—so I have a pretty sizable chunk.

In other news, I’ve been working my way through my vampire-themed reading list. I just finished Prophecy of Three, book one of the Starseed Trilogy by Ashley McLeo. It’s a fun read, full of magic, witches, and vampires. You can check out my review and get a copy for yourself on Amazon.

Next on my list are

Vampire Girl by Karpov Kinrade

The Scarlet Thread by Derek Murphy

Additionally, I’ve been wanting to re-read a favorite from way back in the day: The Last Vampire by Christopher Pike.


Have you read any good vampire books lately? Tell me about your favorites!

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Dead Like Stars Available at Wells & Verne


Dead Like Stars has been on Amazon for a little over a month, and now, if you live in Portland, Oregon, you can get it, live and in physical form, at Wells & Verne.

This display is gorgeous! Many thanks to the talented Michael Bailey at Inspired Installations for constructing and organizing this and for convincing me to explore this fantastic opportunity to connect with local readers.

Check out more of Michael’s work and like/follow his Facebook page. Word is he’s planning a thrilling, not to be missed, art exhibit in spring 2018 called the H’Art Museum, featuring many strange and fascinating created and collected pieces.

Lastly, as a self-published author, I’m not backed by a national marketing team or a fancy publisher. If you like my work, I welcome you to join this Independent’s cause.

Helping is easy!

  • Share this email with friends
  • Buy Dead Like Stars for you, for friends
  • Leave a review on Amazon and Goodreads
  • Add Dead Like Stars to suitable lists on Goodreads
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  • Request Dead Like Stars at libraries and bookstores, and ask your friends to request it too
  • Tell friends about Dead Like Stars in person and on Facebook, Twitter, and other social media.

Thank you for supporting independent art!

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The Only Thing You Have To Fear . . .

I know I’ve been promising a book release for a while, and I am working on it. I promise! Thanks for your patience. 

When I started writing Darkling Like Stars (previously Blood Life) about three years ago, I wanted to write something I’d like to read. Writing is hard work, and, for me at least, it’s insanely personal. Part of me (most of me) never imagined I’d share it with the world, and a lot of me is super resistant to the idea. I’m sure this is a large factor in my delay, that and my editor woes (though, my new editor, Dario, is amazing. I recommend him 100%).

What am I afraid of? David Jauss says “Like a dream, a story, if it’s any good, tells the truth about the author’s secret, inner life, for, as Oscar Wilde said, ‘One’s real life is so often the life that one does not lead.’ And about the nature of that truth, the reader sometimes knows more than the author.”

That’s close, but not quite my problem. I am a fairly open person about certain aspects of my life, but sharing my writing is like letting someone snoop around in my thoughts. You are reading my thoughts, and while those thoughts have been refined with editing and are fully realized by the time you read them, it’s still mortifying.

This book has gone through many changes over the years, and there’s been yet another change. Lately, I’ve been struggling with writing the blurb for the back cover, leading me to realize part of the problem: I’ve jammed too much into this book.

Solution: Darkling Like Stars has become two books: Dead Like Stars (book one) and Darkling Like Stars (book two). There will be, at least, one more, likely a prequel featuring the alien antagonists (the Quaadah), tentatively titled: Before These Stars.

So, book one is almost ready, book two is 85% finished, and despite my fears, I’ll be releasing them to the world . . . soon.

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