Attachment Theory for Writing [Dis]Functional Relationships

I’ve been obsessed with relationships lately, specifically the romantic sort, though there’s not a huge difference between romantic and platonic relationships. Both require effort and care to thrive. My obsession led me to a book called Wired for Love by Stan Tatkin.

Wired for Love expounds on attachment theory, the idea that the early interactions with our primary caregiver (usually our mother) lays the framework for how we experience relationships as adults. This book helped me realize the patterns I perpetuate in relationships, and how to move toward security and trust.

Whether you’re navigating your own relationship or dictating those of fictional character, it all comes down to how we relate to another, and how we relate is derived from our attachment style. In Wired for Love, Tatkin proposes three styles of relating, they are the securely attached Anchors, and the insecurely attached Islands and Waves.

Secure Attachment
Anchors: People who are anchors experienced secure attachment in their early life. They grew up with reliable caregivers in a reliable environment. As children, their needs were met so they felt secure and supported by their caregiver(s). As a result, they are able to enter into new relationships without fear of being abandoned or losing their autonomy.

Insecure Attachment
Waves and Islands: People who are waves or islands did not experience secure attachment in their early life. As children, often their needs did not come first. Instead, they learned to meet their own needs. As adults, these types struggle with trust and tend to be distant in relationships.

Waves: As children, waves were rewarded with parental love for being dependent on a parent, and they may have been responsible for the emotional wellbeing of at least one parent. As a result, they tend to be more needy or clingy and fear they will be abandoned.

Islands: As children, islands often had to perform or be on display to receive love from a parent. As adults in romantic relationships, they fear their independence will be taken (as it was in childhood) and as a result, they crave and create distance between themselves and their partner and avoid depending on others.

We all aspire to be anchors, and many people are quick to assume they’re an anchor. I don’t think there’s such a thing as a true anchor, and that’s okay. Life is about growing and changing. If you’re done growing, you’re dead.

Realistically, we all have elements of each. None of this is bad though, and knowing your type gives you the opportunity to edit your reactions. For example, a wave wants to pull away when their partner seeks closeness. The wave’s reasoning: My partner is showing me love now, but experience (in early childhood) shows love can be taken away at any moment. The wave, fearing abandonment, turns away from their partner’s affections, rejecting their partner before the inevitable rejection, thus maintaining the self-fulfilling prophecy of the wave’s core belief formed in childhood: everyone who says they love me will abandon me.

Hack your (or your character’s) style. If you’re an island or a wave (or a combination) do the opposite of your initial reaction. If your partner upsets you, and your impulse is to pull away. Move toward them. Stay with the discomfort, stay engaged, and talk it out. Allow yourself (and your characters) to be vulnerable and see what you learn.

In Dead Like Stars, Sasha is mostly an Island. She fears developing a relationship with Ambrose for many reasons. She fears losing her sense of self, but she’s also afraid of depending on him. The fact that she’s forced depend on him (and others) in this book is a huge struggle for her. Her character arc over the series has her striving for anchor status. We’ll see if she makes it!

What about your characters? Do you write Islands, Anchors, or Waves?




Through the end of March, Dead Like Stars (a preview only) is part of a giveaway on Instafreebie. If you love vampires (and werewolves) go get some FREE BOOKS!

Vampires werewolves.jpg


How I Became a Writer


Happy New Year!

In an attempt to renew my writing goals, I joined DIY MFA Book Club. This post is inspired by the prompt: How did you become a writer?

My earliest memories of writing are from age around eight. I would watch movies and record every line of dialogue, scene detail, and action until I captured the whole movie on paper—yes, this was pre-internet! Why do I suddenly feel so old? Back then, my favorite movies included The Lost Boys, Legend, and The Three Musketeers. I had grand ideas of my sister and I performing the movies as a play, but that never happened. Turned out I just enjoyed the writing process, and once I finished, I’d move on to the next movie.

The following year, I’d moved on from screenplays to fiction. I wanted to write my own Goosebumps novel. It was a short-lived dream. The book wasn’t shaping up to my harsh, 9-year-old standards, so I trashed it and abandoned that dream. There were plenty of books to read, I didn’t need to write my own. Then, I discovered Stephen King, and he shaped the rest of my childhood.

In my teens, goth angst provoked a return to writing but in a new form: dark, angry, antisocial poetry heavily influenced by Marilyn Manson and The Cure. Short-form was my limit. I started a few novels, only to hopelessly abort them a few pages in. I still have much of this drivel, mostly poetry. No, you can’t read it.

Perfectionism is my crux. Nothing is ever finished to my satisfaction, nothing is ever ready. If it hadn’t been for a long cold and a certain highly-imperfect, commercially successful book (which shall remain unnamed) that convinced me to believe in “good enough”, that a novel doesn’t have to be perfection to be enjoyable or successful, I never would have published—let alone started—Dead Like Stars.

I’m slowly pulling Darkling Like Stars (book two in the Bloodlife series) together. It’s taking me longer than expected due to this strange, unpredictable thing called life, which has driven me to therapy and literature on interpersonal relationships. Perhaps I’ll tell you about it sometime, but chances are it’ll all come out in my fiction.

In what unlikely places have you found inspiration? What’s motivated you to pursue your dreams?

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Who Likes Free Books?


I love free books, and Grizzy (my cat) does too! That’s why I’m giving away a free, signed paperback copy of Dead Like Stars! Head over to Goodreads to enter the drawing before Monday (the 28th) at 11:59 pm (PT). While you’re there, perhaps you’ll add Dead Like Stars to your ‘to read’ list and follow my author page. There you’ll find a Q&A section where you can post questions and read answers about my books and other aspects of writing. I love answering your questions, so ask away!

If you don’t win a copy this time, don’t fret. I’ll be running more giveaways in the future! Be among the first to know: sign up for my mailing list!

Dead Like Stars has been doing fairly well. There are 6 reviews on Amazon and Goodreads so far, but I’d love your help to reach 20. If you enjoyed my book, please take a moment to write a review. It doesn’t have to be long or fancy, just choose a star rating, add a sentence or two, and you’re done! As an independent author, reviews increase visibility and add credibility. Your words will help others find mine.

For those of you who’ve been asking about book two, Darkling Like Stars: I’ve been making progress, though not as quickly as I hoped. I have around 60 thousand words. Some context: Dead Like Stars is around 90 thousand words—so I have a pretty sizable chunk.

In other news, I’ve been working my way through my vampire-themed reading list. I just finished Prophecy of Three, book one of the Starseed Trilogy by Ashley McLeo. It’s a fun read, full of magic, witches, and vampires. You can check out my review and get a copy for yourself on Amazon.

Next on my list are

Vampire Girl by Karpov Kinrade

The Scarlet Thread by Derek Murphy

Additionally, I’ve been wanting to re-read a favorite from way back in the day: The Last Vampire by Christopher Pike.


Have you read any good vampire books lately? Tell me about your favorites!

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Dead Like Stars Available at Wells & Verne


Dead Like Stars has been on Amazon for a little over a month, and now, if you live in Portland, Oregon, you can get it, live and in physical form, at Wells & Verne.

This display is gorgeous! Many thanks to the talented Michael Bailey at Inspired Installations for constructing and organizing this and for convincing me to explore this fantastic opportunity to connect with local readers.

Check out more of Michael’s work and like/follow his Facebook page. Word is he’s planning a thrilling, not to be missed, art exhibit in spring 2018 called the H’Art Museum, featuring many strange and fascinating created and collected pieces.

Lastly, as a self-published author, I’m not backed by a national marketing team or a fancy publisher. If you like my work, I welcome you to join this Independent’s cause.

Helping is easy!

  • Share this email with friends
  • Buy Dead Like Stars for you, for friends
  • Leave a review on Amazon and Goodreads
  • Add Dead Like Stars to suitable lists on Goodreads
  • Follow me on Facebook, Twitter, Amazon, Goodreads, and other social media
  • Request Dead Like Stars at libraries and bookstores, and ask your friends to request it too
  • Tell friends about Dead Like Stars in person and on Facebook, Twitter, and other social media.

Thank you for supporting independent art!

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The Only Thing You Have To Fear . . .

I know I’ve been promising a book release for a while, and I am working on it. I promise! Thanks for your patience. 

When I started writing Darkling Like Stars (previously Blood Life) about three years ago, I wanted to write something I’d like to read. Writing is hard work, and, for me at least, it’s insanely personal. Part of me (most of me) never imagined I’d share it with the world, and a lot of me is super resistant to the idea. I’m sure this is a large factor in my delay, that and my editor woes (though, my new editor, Dario, is amazing. I recommend him 100%).

What am I afraid of? David Jauss says “Like a dream, a story, if it’s any good, tells the truth about the author’s secret, inner life, for, as Oscar Wilde said, ‘One’s real life is so often the life that one does not lead.’ And about the nature of that truth, the reader sometimes knows more than the author.”

That’s close, but not quite my problem. I am a fairly open person about certain aspects of my life, but sharing my writing is like letting someone snoop around in my thoughts. You are reading my thoughts, and while those thoughts have been refined with editing and are fully realized by the time you read them, it’s still mortifying.

This book has gone through many changes over the years, and there’s been yet another change. Lately, I’ve been struggling with writing the blurb for the back cover, leading me to realize part of the problem: I’ve jammed too much into this book.

Solution: Darkling Like Stars has become two books: Dead Like Stars (book one) and Darkling Like Stars (book two). There will be, at least, one more, likely a prequel featuring the alien antagonists (the Quaadah), tentatively titled: Before These Stars.

So, book one is almost ready, book two is 85% finished, and despite my fears, I’ll be releasing them to the world . . . soon.

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Another Willamette Writers Adventure

Now that the Willamette Writers Conference has wrapped up, my writer friends new and old have scurried back to their hidey-holes, and my anxiety levels have stabilized at a comfortable medium-low, life is back to normal. I just finished a copyedit on another writer’s MS, and I’m addressing the final edits on Darkling Like Stars before sending it back to my editor for another pass.

I love the Willamette Writers Conference, it’s a great venue for creating community. It forces us quiet, lurking writers out of our comfy homes and packs us all into one building with very few hiding places and an abundance of coffee and sugary treats. It’s fun and awkward, some of us are less awkward than others, or they’re just better at hiding it. I’m not. So naturally, I thought it would be a grand idea to pitch a workshop to Willamette Writers. They’ll never say yes, I thought . . . until they did. But, I survived my talk, barely, and I’ll use the feedback from this time around to give it another go at Orycon in November. Maybe I’ll see you there?

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Creep on Your Characters (and Your Friends)

I like to watch . . .

Not like that, perv, but, yeah, if we’ve met, I’ve likely spied on you, analyzed your movements, wondered at the reason you say a word in a particular way, kept track of the trends in your speech. Kind of creepy, right? Sorry, I’m writing, and I can’t turn it off. Anyway, here’s some tips and tricks I’ve picked up whilst creeping on everyone. After I ramble a bit, I’ll also share a fun (strange, maybe) character development trick/tool I use.


Each character should have their own flavor: word choice and patterns of speech. Also consider how their speech may change depending on who they are around (code switching).

Is there a word/phrase your character likes to use? Maybe they use it repeatedly, possibly even incorrectly. Bonus points if you can think of a reason/origin for why they use this word or phrase.

Listen to the people you know and you’ll notice they’ll always say certain things. Maybe your sister always says, “you know?” after something she says. Why? Maybe she’s worried no one listens to her, so she tacks this on at the end to elicit a response. 

How can word choice show character? Think of the way Vizzini from the Princess Bride incorrectly (and excessively) uses the word “inconceivable”. This demonstrates his character. He latches onto this multisyllabic word to sound smart, he thinks he’s a genius and this serves to foreshadow his upcoming loss in a battle of wits against Westley. While you don’t want to do exactly this, obviously, you should consider how you can make word choice work for (or against) your characters.

As you write dialogue, always visualize the character talking. Read it out loud, drop words—most people talk in fragments, especially when they know each other well.

That said, it’s okay to have awkward dialogue, such as stating the obvious, so long as it’s a character trait. However, if you do this, the other characters should call them on it or in some way react to this odd manner of speaking.

Character Tics

What does your character always do when (insert emotion)?

Watch the people you know. Does your partner talk with their hands when excited? Maybe your friend obsessively fiddles with her rings when she explains things? Go on, spy on everyone, it’s fun to be creepy.

Now for the fun I promised, but first, some work:

Write a journal entry from the perspective of your character (preferably in 1st person) ‘cause who writes their journal in third? Weird. Get inside your character, be super honest, this is your (character’s) personal journal where they can write anything and everything without fear, because (of course) afterwards it’s going straight into the fire (not literally, duh). Force your character to reflect on their dreams/goals/past/future. This doesn’t need to be pretty or even cohesive, stream of consciousness is fine, just get into their head for a few pages. Note: This is not something you will include in your story/novel, it’s only an exercise, what you write here will influence how you write this character.

Done? Great! On to the fun. It’s time to discover your character’s personality type. Yep, now that your character is fresh in your mind, you’re going to take a personality test as your character. Answer each of the weird questions only as your character would. Force them to be super honest (and consistent). At the end, you will be rewarded with some literature describing their traits (weaknesses, strengths, etc.).

Now, do this for each of your major characters.

Want More Fun?

Use these results to discover which Harry Potter character your character would be. Because procrastination is FUN! You can find this here and here (these two sites vary slightly).

What are your favorite character development tricks?

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Cats Can’t Write

Sometimes I envy my cat. Hell, more than sometimes. Presently he’s sleeping at my side, snoring ever so slightly. Now and again his foot twitches and I imagine he’s creeping through a jungle of dream grass stalking some tantalizingly elusive prey, a bird-mouse perhaps? Or maybe his favorite toy, koala-ball, has become sentient. Either way, it’s a pretty damned awesome dream if you’re a cat.

I wonder what it would be like to sleep like that, like nothing else matters. How would it be to not have my guilt-tripping inner nag constantly whispering, “It’s been six hours! You’ve slept enough! Shouldn’t you be writing? TICK! TICK! TICK! Gotta get those stories out before you DIE!”

But she means well, and she is right. After all, each second, day, hour, I am closer to death, and how horrible it would be to die with an untold story!

I think about this every day on my ten-mile bike commute. Every car that almost swipes me, every bus that veers into my path. I want to shout, “NO! Not yet! I have too many stories to tell!” Which is a lot different than my pre-writing mindset. Settle in, I’ll tell you all about it.

Yes, I’ve always been a “writer” but there was a period (a really fucking dark period) of about ten years in which I didn’t—couldn’t—write anything.

I started smoking in around seventh grade, and I would smoke cigarettes whenever I wrote. When I turned eighteen I decided an asthmatic shouldn’t smoke, and quit. In quitting, I also inadvertently quit writing. I couldn’t do it anymore, not without the ember’s red glow, the waft of swirling grey smoke. It was over. Cue the depression.

So I stumbled through life, sure it all had some purpose, but I couldn’t figure out what. I’d thought it had been writing, but obviously I had been wrong about that. So I decided I would live only as long as my two cats, then, once they died, I too could go. My bike rides then were indifferent. I could die, but meh, it saved me the trouble of having to do it myself.

Good times.

What snapped me out of this funk? Well, oddly enough, all it took was one over-hyped, mind-numbing book. I’m not going to name names, and which book it was isn’t really important. Really, it was more of a cumulative thing and this book just happened to be the last straw. It poked a shining hole into my darkness and forced me to pick up my pen for the first time in ten years. Now my life is measured in stories, not cats.

So, if you’ll excuse me, I have some writing to do.

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Seven Years Don’t Mean Shit

It’s been an interesting week full of, well, I’ll just say, surprises. Overall it’s been good. I’ve had time to think and re-imagine my life. In March I’ll be going back to school after almost 10 years off. Time sure creeps, huh? Aside from school, I’ll be focusing on writing, and hopefully, somehow, keeping food on my cat’s plate—because thats the most important thing, or so he tells me, and he only eats the primo shit. No Friskies for this cat.

I’ve been working on Dead Like Stars again, hopefully I will finish it for real this time. It’s hard to get started, mostly because I know the work that awaits within. Black pools of swamp that I must wade through, purify, and somehow polish into something that fits with the rest of the book. It shouldn’t be this hard, but I’ve been building it up in my head so it’s become this epic, looming mountain I must conquer.

I’m approaching it cautiously, bit by bit, and as I sink into the familiar narrative, I’m surprised to discover some of it isn’t all that bad. I won’t say it’s good, because what does that even mean? Good is subjective and whimsical. However, speaking of good…

I’ve been reading Ursula K. Le Guin’s, “Lathe of Heaven.” It’s amazing, and I can’t stop scribbling in her margins, micro-printed notes, hearts—little smiley faces. I’ve probably underlined a third of the book.

I love how she handles character, each with their own unique tics, speech patterns, and styles of observation. I know this is something that is supposed to be standard in novels, but so often I feel it is something writers either ignore or do sloppily. I also really enjoy the way she peppers in backstory, unobtrusively with so many interesting and beautiful images and observations.

Another thing I found interesting, there have been a few places where I was jostled out of the story. Wait, you say, that’s a bad thing, right? You would think so, but no. It’s awesome. One example:

Early in the book, there’s a scene where one character, relaying a dream he’s had about his aunt Ethel, says: She was “usually disguised, the way people are in dreams sometimes; once she was a white cat, but I knew she was Ethel.”

It doesn’t seem like much, but upon reading that line, I laughed out loud and exclaimed, “SO TRUE!” (I also underlined it, and put a heart in the margin, in case you were wondering.) Why did I love this bit so much? Because it happens to me often. The strangest shit happens in dreams. I’ll have a dream where I’m doing something with my husband, but he’s also my sister, but at the same time he’s a parrot.

Until I read this book, I had never really thought about it, even though my dream diary is full of instances just like this. It never would have occurred to me to include something like this in my fiction. It’s details like these that make books fun. They draw parallels in our lives and add meaning—they create freakin’ connections. They add realism. In that moment it is real, and you and the character share a secret.

Anyway, that’s just one example, and not even the best one, and as I’ve said, it’s all subjective. Either way, go get a copy. It’s a great book, especially if you’re a writer. Once I finish, I’m going to immediately read it again, there’s so much to learn!

Haven’t read it yet? Please do, and after you’ve had your ‘conversations’ in Ursula Le Guin’s margins, please, tell me all about them!

Also, moderately interesting, I may have given Ursula Le Guin a fan letter last week. It was just like grade school: handwritten, folded into a little rectangle, complete with a smiley kitty face. I thrust it into her hands and ran, then I nervous-cried the whole way home. *facepalm*

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